Imagine

Imagine for a moment you are at a party with about 30 people your husband works with. You bring the kids and within minutes the oldest who is 4 spots a beautiful golden retreiver inside. You are holding the nearly 2 year old in your lap and the 3 year old is playing shy at your side. You tell the 4 year old to wait, and you will take him inside to see the dog in just a minute. A friend says to your 4 year old "do you want to go see the dog?" and he says yes. He turns to you and says "mommy can I go?" and you say of course and off they go. He returns minutes later to your side all excited with stories of the dog.

Meanwhile, the 3 year old has lost her shyness and has started looking around at the people gathered in the back yard. There are several other children, but they hold no interest for her. She is scoping out the adults. Finally one comes over and says "well aren't you beautiful. What's your name?" and she giggles and buries her head in your arm and then looks up and says to this person she's never met "pease you pay wit me?" and the man laughs and says "SURE!" They take off to the play area.

The baby has gotten off your lap and has approached the little girl to say hi to her. They are playing side by side. When an adult speaks to him he will laugh and run back to you.

The boys always come back to me. I am home base. I am NOT home base for the girl. For her, home base is anyone who will pay attention to her. She spent the day going from person to person seeking attention. I told her no more candy. She asked and received it from someone else. So I took it away from her. She dissolved into tears and launched herself at the nearest lap for comfort. She later fell while walking next to me and a friend. She stood up and reached up to the friend to be held.

She does not want me. She does not prefer me. She does not prefer anyone. If you will pay attention to her you'll do.

I am struggling horribly with this child. There are days I just don't like her at all. How can I bond with her when she refuses to bond with me?

She is receiving early intervention and has been diagnosed with RAD. (reactive attachment disorder)

I am just very sad. I am not being the kind of mother I want to be with her. And she is not the daughter I always wanted.

And another one gone

Another one bites the dust

What fucking explanation can anyone give me why I couldn't get pregnant to save my life in my 20's or 30's and now have had 2 pregnancies back to back since I turned 41 that both ended?

Out of NOWHERE Friday night I started bleeding. I raced to the ER and they did and ultrasound and found no fetal heartbeat. My hcg is still 18,000 and my cervix is still closed and I still feel pregnant. But guess what? I'm not.

I refused to go to church today. I'm good and pissed at God.

Is it too much to ask to want to experience a pregnancy? To deliver a newborn and know what its like to hold your very own child for the first time? I guess it is. I cried for 12 hours straight. And then I got pissed and thats where I still am.

I have to call the dr tomorrow and find out where to go from here. I leave on vacation a week from Tuesday. I want it out of me by then. I am so fucking sick of having dead babies scraped out of my uterus. This will be number 5.

Meeting Boo

Well there he is. The blob in the bottom of the black circle. Measuring 5 weeks 6 days with a heartrate of 123 bpm.

I am in total shock. Every other pregnancy all I have seen is the big black circle. A big empty gestational sac. And today the tech moved the wand and said "there's the baby..and there's the heartbeat" and I was speechless. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. And I couldn't beleive it was MY uterus on the screen. That this was happening to ME. This little bright blob pulsating away. Living. Inside my body. Oh my God. I might actually have a baby of my own.

Ignorance is bliss

I'm enjoying the ignorance I'm having with this pregnancy. I refused an ultrasound on 3/27 and instead scheduled it for a week later..this coming Friday 4/3. Another week for "Boo" to grow so I can see a heartbeat if he's there and feel a little more confident that I'm actually having a baby this pregnancy.

Of course there are SO many things that could still go wrong,but I feel I can handle anything if I can just see a heartbeat. To know that I'm carrying a living thing. To know there is potential for an actual baby out of that flicker.

I'm at peace. I feel totally different this time. Physically and mentally. I'm taking that as a good sign. I'm letting myself be hopeful. I'm planning ahead to be pregnant still when things happen later this year. I'm trying not to say or think "IF" this time.

So I have a couple days left of feeling like this until the anxiety hits when I realize it's only a few days until I know. No. Not until I know. Until I meet Boo.

I knew it

Just took a pg test. pregnant. impossible. going to dr friday

Birth Control. No laughing matter

It amazes me how suddenly after 12 years of desparatley trying to get pregnant I have been having conversations about birth control.

The first came in August at my annual. The nurse said to me "and what form of birth control are you using?" I just about fell off the table laughing. I finally said "I haven't used birth control in 12 years. I don't GET pregnant. My form of birth control is NOT injecting large amounts of hormones into my body in an effort TO GET pregnant. Furthermore, God would have to have an AWFUL good sense of humor to get me pregnant NOW...with 3 kids at home in diapers." Three months later I was kicking myself in the ass for the blasphemay while simutaneously gaping at my reflection in the bathroom mirror after receiving a positive pregnancy test. That'll teach me to joke about it.

The next conversation came at the follow up from the d&c in January. I wasn't laughing anymore. Did I NEED it? Did I really WANT it? The dr decided to wait until my next period and run some bloodwork to see what the likelihood is I CAN conceive again. Bloodwork came back and yo...I'm still fertile. Anything over a 10 is nope...I was a 9.6. Of course.

So today I was back in the office. Going there really depresses me. I hate sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of women in various stages of pregnancies. Not to mention I just sat there myself, in the same chair in fact, 3 months ago wondering if my pregnancy was real and patting myself on the back for finally, maybe, succeeding. It was also where I sat to send the text to all my friends saying "no...no baby...i'm ok" But anyway... I went there again this morning to discuss my birth control options. I decided on the shot in the ass once every three months.

And only now do i realize I laughed about it. About needing birth control at all this late in the game. And when he told me to call when I got my next period to schedule the shot I actually said "Yes well let's hope I GET a period" Like there was actually a chance that I wouldn't.

So if I end up pregnant AGAIN I only have myself to blame. For laughing in the face of birth control.

Phantom Baby

Sunday I awoke knowing I had heard something. Then I heard footsteps coming towards the bed. The armoire door pushed back and I felt pressure on the foot of the bed. I sat up and reached out for Jordan to pull him into bed with us but he wasn't there. I slowly swung my legs out of bed and felt around blindly in the dark for his little body. I stood up and traced the steps back to his room with my hands out in front of me still trying to find him. "buddy where are you?" I asked softly. No reply. I reached his room and found him exactly where I had left him. All tucked into his bed and sound asleep. I went back to bed a bit spooked from my encounter with my phantom baby.

Monday Ray awoke and heard footsteps approaching his side of the bed. He waited and heard a sound like a child sucking on a pacifier. Then it stopped suddenly. His phantom baby.

Tuesday we found out the baby in my belly had stopped growing a week earlier. A d&c was scheduled for Friday. All went well and I'm recovering nicely.

Thank you for coming to say goodbye baby. Go rest now and stop wandering in the night. We love you and will see you on the other side. Our phantom baby.